Leaving money for the dead

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they have something to spend over there."They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Criminal Lawyer

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?" To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

doctor and lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?""Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

A lawyer was driving his big BMW

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

The Fence

It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair.
St. Peter sought out Satan."Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."
"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."
"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."
"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."
"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."
"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"

How Much Is 2+2?

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments to interview three lawyers.
At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind a big mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessman again announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"The lawyer pulls the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Japan is in trouble

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

Lawyer's personal injury

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A Greedy lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Lawyer Joke Text Messages

This jokes text messages on lawyer might not be funny but at least you have something for them to send.
Client: Atty, can you please write an Affidavit of Lost for me?Lawyer: Affidavit of Lost? What are the things that you lost?Client: I lost my wife, Atty.
Question: What is the other name of lawyer?Answer: Attorney at law.Question: What do you call the client of lawyer?Answer: Financier of Attorney

A lawyer joke...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Lawyer and a Ukrainian

A lawyer and a Ukrainian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Ukrainians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Ukrainian would like to play a fun game.

The Ukrainian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Ukrainianʼs attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Ukrainian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Ukrainian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Ukrainian and hands him $500. The Ukrainian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Ukrainian up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Ukrainian reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Lawyer Joke

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""That's my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."

A lawyer joke...

A friend sent me this joke the other day and I thought I'd heard just about all of the lawyer jokes there are out there, but it's one I hadn't heard before, thanks to a South Carolina injury lawyer out there, here goes:A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Estate lawyer joke courtesy of John Cremer.

A man is laying in his hospital bed dying of a terminal illness. He calls in his lawyer, his doctor, and his priest and announces to the group, " Gentleman, I am going to die soon and I have made a decision. There is no one I wish to leave my estate to and I have decided I am taking it with me. Hence, I am giving you each $50,000 in cash that you are to place in my casket before they lower me into the ground. Are we understood?" The three gentlemen agreed and ten days later The Lord embraced the dying man to his bosom.A few days later there was a funeral followed by a burial ceremony and a reception afterwards. The lawyer and the doctor were having a cocktail while the priest nervously paced back and forth in the reception area. Finally the priest approached the other two advisors and declared, " I cannot keep it inside of me any longer. I did not put the whole $50,000 into the casket. I used $25,000 to make some repairs to the rectory." The doctor replied, "Well as long as it's out on the table, I didn't put the whole 50 in, either. I put 30 thousand into my clinic." The lawyer glared at the other two with disgust and said, "You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Do you realize that casket holds my personal check for $50,000?"

Lawyers take everything

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely.""Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Question and answer jokes

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.